So this is the way it is now, we no longer allowed to go to a pub or a theatre to meet a partner (thanks Covid!)…we’re ever more lured to the online version of the dating game. As a (very) single woman who has dabbled in the quagmire that is online dating for a v. e. r. y long time, I would like you to imagine this; you arrive at a beautiful Christmas market feeling full of promise! …the lights are twinkly, the stalls are laid out perfectly it entices you in. You see a whole load of treasures on array! ….you browse! You get excited about the gifts! The sellers catch your eye with their charm! ….but then, after a while, you start to feel just a teensy bit bored, a teensy bit underwhelmed …it’s all a bit ‘samey’; isn’t it? And, I mean, all those pretty baubles, twinkly lights and sparkly trinkets…what can you DO with them anyway, except hang them on your tree? … Will they inspire you in the no- mans – land of March? Will they teach you something new? Will they feed your mind as well as your eye and your ego?
What I’m saying here is that to get the most out of online dating there should be 2 parallels going on; there’s the quantitative data (the numbers game) and the qualitative data (the qualities and characteristics) – the saying goes we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince! We, actually, (and thank god above!) we don’t have to actually KISS that frog in our online forum; we can evaluate them and scroll right on past them if they don’t trigger the right synapses (don’t feel bad, they will be doing this too!). We can do this a lot, by the way. We can do that after one message, one phone call, one date or 6 dates!.. WE ARE ALLOWED
In the real world, and let’s get real here, it takes more than 6 dates to get to know someone – we are NOT obligated to sleep with them, we are not obligated to be their partner and we are not obligated to promise them any commitment until we know they are committed to us.
BUT we DO want to find someone who might be on the right wavelength – so we start our qualitative research – and this is where I want to sit for a while….
Things to ask yourself to make informed choices…
- THE SHORT GAINS GUY Are you truly being honest with yourself AND that man you’re talking with? – If this is a man that wants to mostly talk about your ass, is he also TRULY interested in finding out your values, interested in your life? Men who get very sexual, very quickly are probably in for immediate gratification and the attention – this could mean a lot of things; he could be playing the quantitative game too. Don’t be surprised if he’s talking to lots of girls. The key here is for you to be in control of what YOU decide for you!- the sex and the instant gratification might suit you (you might be talking to several guys too) but if this doesn’t suit you… and be honest with yourself here…you have to stop it, as he won’t. He’s getting his instant gratification hit everyday and lets face it, he has a right to talk to whoever he wants whilst he’s not in a commitment, so the responsibility lies squarely with ourselves
- THE BALLS IN THE AIR GUY – Has he just split up and needs a distraction or needs to feel better about himself? – let’s face it, we all need that sometimes, especially after a break up-you know the saying ‘to get over someone you should get under someone’ – men who have recently come out of a relationship might not be really ready to commit and this is fine! Be honest with yourself, are you in the same place? Does this suit you? If the answer is ‘no, that’s not what I want’ then this kind of coupling is usually quite one-sided – if you’re ok to hold him for a while like a little injured bird and nurse him back to health then, of course, you can! But do know this!, that where ever he is, he is – you can’t go into a relationship with a man who is at a certain point in his life and expect him to be in a different place for you – it rarely happens. The timing here is key and you will fix him and he will probably fly away again when he is stronger.
- THE AMBIGUOUS SERIAL DATER He might have an avoidant attachment, where he doesn’t easily get emotionally involved. Maybe deep down, he actually likes to be a little bit free, but that’s hard to admit isn’t it? That we want to love but we don’t want to be answerable to it. Is it confusing, one minute telling you you’re amazing and beautiful and he wants to really get to know you but the next sabotaging what your thought you had, or wanting ‘space’? Work on heightening your awareness…really observe his behaviour and his words together – if they don’t match, there’s a reason for that! Ask him about his life – if he talks about looking for the ‘one’, if he talks about lots of relationships over the years that haven’t seemed to work out if he blames his exes for the problems in all his relationships, it’s likely he that he has avoidant tendencies – looking for reasons that you’re not right rather than reasons that you are. Its born from fear and trust needs to build. The key here is to choose your response – relationships with avoidant characteristics can work – I AM avoidant but I now know myself and I’m honest about it with the people I meet– if you can work with and manage the avoidant characteristics and not take it too personally, it can be beautiful and the avoidant person will bounce right back to you in their own sweet time if they’re given patience and understanding.
All of this is Ok, … he’s allowed to do this and you might have elements of these traits yourself (I certainly do!) in your online dating – Be happy and be honest with people doing whatever you do. You have to choose what is right for you or not for you, You DO you!
If the chemistry isn’t right for you, say so kindly, thank them for the experience and move on xx